Our high score: 300
Publisher: Atari (1978)
So many classic systems feature a game with clowns bouncing on a teeter-totter, and scientists have never been able to determine why. Circus Atari brings back a lot of old memories. I recall talking my mom into driving me to the local discount store so I buy this for $22, mainly because I wanted a game to play with my paddle controllers. The idea is to vault two clowns high enough to pop three rows of balloons moving quickly across the top of the screen. The paddles provide precision control, and the fire button can be used to flip the teeter-totter at any time. The higher balloons are worth more points, and clearing the top row will earn you an extra life. Those square balloons look pretty awful, by the way. Of the eight variations, several incorporate moving barriers. While these barriers often deflect your clown directly back, they also tend to keep him bouncing around up top longer, so I guess it's a wash. You have to feel a little sorry for the clowns in this game. Clearly they had no idea what they had signed up for. I'm sure they were happy just to get a job, but they failed to inquire about the very real possibility of death-by-concrete.
I notice the clowns get a little nervous when they see me drinking a few beers and my response times are a little off. It's a hard-knock life, but people find it hilarious when a clown splatters on the ground, legs still kicking. It's like a low-definition fatality!
I enjoy the frantic nature of the game, but have you noticed how the action always tends to gravitate towards the right side of the screen? I don't like that. Few would consider Circus Atari a great game, but its fast action puts your reflexes to the test. © Copyright 2011 The Video Game Critic.
Recommended variation: 1A
Our high score: MKG 2,355
1 or 2 players
Publisher: Telesys (1982)
Shallow but fun, Coconuts is one of those simple pleasures of the Atari 2600 not unlike Kaboom!
(Activision, 1981). You simply move left and right while avoiding a monkey dropping brown objects from the trees above. Are we really supposed to believe those are coconuts? Digested
coconuts maybe! Between rounds the monkey appears to be vigorously rubbing something in the leaves of the palm trees. An incontinent monkey is one thing, but incontinent and horny
? I'm not having it. You control a dorky guy who is one of the larger characters I've seen in an Atari 2600 game. He's not the most masculine dude prancing around in his yellow hat, blue shorts, brown shoes, and umbrella. The first sustained hit removes his umbrella, followed by his hat, and then his pants. Just kidding
- the game ends on the third hit. His movements are choppy and that flashing "leg" is hardly a convincing "walking" animation. The monkey is meticulously rendered with a smiling face, moving tail, and even a belly button. Heck, you can even see the whites of his eyes! I'm pretty sure this monkey is demonic, and frankly, I'm getting a little tired of taking his crap! You'll sleepwalk through first few waves, but once things pick up steam the action gets frantic. The monkey's timing is erratic and objects don't always fall directly from above. During later rounds I'm convinced luck plays more of a role than skill. Considering this is basically Kaboom in reverse, I'm surprised the game doesn't support paddle controllers. Coconuts may be the simplest game I've ever played (including Pong), but its manual is still
better than Call of Duty Ghosts, Assassin's Creed 4, or any other modern game I've played as of late! © Copyright 2014 The Video Game Critic.
Recommended variation: B
Our high score: 1670
Publisher: Atari (1979)
Of all the keypad-controlled Atari cartridges, this is probably the most entertaining, but that's not saying much. If you've ever played the board game Mastermind, you know the basic strategy behind Codebreaker. You need to solve simple code combinations using logical deduction (and guessing). Pretty lame, but at least the two-player game is playable. The last few variations offer a simple puzzle called NIM. Codebreaker is no prize, but I've seen much worse. © Copyright 2000 The Video Game Critic.
Publisher: Atari (1977)
This game is an enigma. In the 80's, all of my friends detested Combat, often poking fun at its plain graphics and simplistic gameplay. But now, twenty years later, everybody I know swears up and down that it's one of the greatest games ever made. To be honest, I was never a huge fan, but I can't deny its competitive one-on-one action. Each of the game's 27 variations challenges you to outshoot your opponent over a 2 minute, 16 second time period (nice round number huh?). The tank variations have loads of options including different maze layouts, guided missiles, bouncing missiles, and even invisible tanks. The fact that a tank is relocated after taking a hit reduces the opportunity for "piling on" additional cheap shots. Most people agree that the "tank pong" variations are the best of the bunch, often resulting in wild and unpredictable matches. The biplane and jet variations are less exciting, but still deserve a look. When you fly your plane off one side of the screen you appear on the other side, and clouds are also an option. The three planes vs. one bomber variation isn't fair though - that big ol' bomber has no chance! Combat is an archaic, simplistic game, but after all these years it's finally getting some respect. © Copyright 2002 The Video Game Critic.
Publisher: Atari (1982)
This long lost prototype was recently released at a classic gaming convention, but to be honest, there's not much of a game here. Yes, Combat 2 is playable, but it pales in comparison to the original. The game introduces a few interesting concepts, but definitely feels unfinished. It resembles M-Network's Armor Ambush, except there's only one tank per side instead of two. A blue river with two bridges divides the screen in half, and the rest of the screen is scattered with green blocks. Depending on the play mode, you can either pass under the blocks (tree mode) or be forced to go around them (wall mode). Either way, you can shoot them to clear them out. Some variations let you lay out the blocks before the game, but this time-consuming task isn't worth the effort. The controls differ from the original Combat in that your tank moves forward on its own, and you adjust its speed. It's not very effective since you can't go far without running into something. Tanks can sustain multiple hits before blowing up in a small mushroom cloud, and the game ends when a player depletes his tank supply. If you're looking for fun, look elsewhere. Combat 2 is awkward and shallow, and it's easy to see why this project was shelved. © Copyright 2002 The Video Game Critic.
Publisher: Activision (1988)
With its sloppy animation, minimal variations, and Xerox-quality instruction manual, you can tell Activision was just going through the motions with this one. Commando is a one-man-army game in the same vein as Ikari Warriors
(NES, 1986) and Rambo: First Blood Part 2
(Sega Master System, 1986). This game is playable but far less thrilling than the aforementioned titles. As your commando forges up a vertically-scrolling screen, he engages enemies while advancing on a fortress. Commando's graphics aren't bad, with well-defined soldiers and scattered palm trees. Your character is easy enough to control, and beside normal shots, you can hold down the fire button to lob grenades. While detonated grenades make an audible "boom", the lack of a visual explosion is disappointing. The shoot-outs are mediocre as well, often playing out like mini games of cat and mouse. Bullets only travel a fixed distance (about half the screen) and you can actually outrun
them! Please kids, don't try this at home! Enemy bullets also have the strange characteristic of not
being able to travel in a straight line! The collision detection is suspect as well. I can only assume that the shot that passed through my head missed all vital organs. I hate the way enemies soldiers materialize out of nowhere, often right next to you! In advanced stages you must avoid trucks that cross the screen, but the execution is so sloppy that it looks like an afterthought. Once you finally infiltrate the fortress at the end of each stage, it appears to explode just as you enter, and it's unintentionally hilarious! Commando's audio features a little marching ditty that repeats over and over. I usually like this style of game, but Commando feels like a half-hearted effort. © Copyright 2006 The Video Game Critic.
Our high score: 18,500
Publisher: US Games (1982)
For a virtually unknown game, this shooter is surprisingly enjoyable. Commando Raid's screen is beautiful, featuring a picturesque sunset behind the silhouettes of four desolate buildings on a hill. During each wave, a pair of green helicopters fly across the screen, releasing paratroopers. Aiming a cannon situated in the center of the screen, you fire high-speed guided missiles at the helicopters and parachutes. Paratroopers that reach the ground destroy your buildings and eventually begin tunneling underneath. Their goal is to burrow under your cannon, where they can detonate a bomb and end your game. It's a cool concept, and I like how you can see the tunnels forming under the ground. This also adds some subtle strategy since you'll want to pay more attention to protecting buildings with tunnels closest to completion. Periodically a black bomber will fly across, dropping a large bomb. When you see this bomb, be sure to make it your top priority, because once if it reaches the ground, it's game over. Better yet, try to nail that bomber before
it can release its payload. Commando Raid's collision detection is questionable at times, but that inadvertently makes the game more challenging (and realistic?). I like this game. It's a good-looking shooter that mixes rapid-fire shooting with a touch of strategy. © Copyright 2006 The Video Game Critic.
Recommended variation: BB
Our high score: 35,510
Communist Mutants From Space
Publisher: Starpath/Arcadia (1982)
Despite the campy title, Communist Mutants From Space is a first-rate shooter. It was originally one of several cassette-based titles designed to be loaded via the "Supercharger" device. Fortunately, you can now conveniently find them all on the "Stella Gets A New Brain CD" (highly recommended). Communist Mutant's graphics are exceptional, with animated aliens that assume a variety of shapes, and a large, hideous mother alien. The game resembles Galaxian, with its formation of alien "eggs" lined across the top of the screen, and a mother (who resembles a centipede) constantly replenishing them. As you might guess, it's a good idea to destroy her as soon as possible. Although the eggs look like simple squares, they transform into full-grown aliens that swoop down and drop bombs. The onslaught can become fairly intense, but you have two defense mechanisms at your disposal. Pushing forward on the joystick activates the innovative "time warp", which slows the alien assault to a crawl without
affecting your movements. Pulling back on the joystick activates a temporary shield, making you temporarily invincible. These are recharged each wave, and you can even use them in conjunction, so apply them liberally. But the most impressive feature of Communist Mutants is its rich options menu - very unusual for a 2600 game! Here you can select the number of players (1-4 alternating) and difficulty level (1-9), as well as toggling the shields, time warp, guided missiles, and penetrating fire options. Space Invader's and its 112 game variations have nothing on Communist Mutants From Space! The game even displays the high scores! Mutant's single blemish is the excessive number of lives you're allotted. You begin with five, and then receive an extra life after each wave. Why didn't they make that
adjustable? This proliferation of lives waters down the challenge, but overall this game is no joke. © Copyright 2006 The Video Game Critic.
Recommended variation: 4 (shields, warp, guide off, penetrate off)
Our high score: 11,030
1 to 4 players
Publisher: Ultravision (1983)
Condor Attack is an obvious rip-off of Demon Attack (Imagic), which was a blatant rip-off of Phoenix (Atari). But while Demon Attack and Phoenix have a lot to offer, Condor Attack is a piece of crap no matter how you look at it. The gameplay involves shooting at pairs of large, bombing birds. You'll also see a line of small birds across the top of the screen, but although they appear to be well in range, you can't shoot them! Condor Attack is as poorly programmed as it is designed. The birds are dull and blocky, and always look the same. The animation is terribly choppy and the game runs at inconsistent speeds - not a pretty sight. Sometimes you'll shoot one bird and another will inexplicably explode! The erratic graphics are accompanied by some truly obnoxious sound effects. Condor Attack is only challenging with both difficulty switches set to A, which makes your cannon HUGE. Despite its general worthlessness however, Condor's rareness makes it valuable to collectors. © Copyright 2003 The Video Game Critic.
Recommended variation: AA
Our high score: 1963
Publisher: Sega (1983)
Let's face it - the Atari 2600 was not designed to handle 3D graphics, and this game is barely recognizable as Congo Bongo. Surprisingly, it still gets by. The gameplay is faithful to the original, even if only two of the three screens are included. The first resembles a 3D Donkey Kong with its tiered mountain design. It's not pretty, but it does play quite well. Your tiny explorer must scale the mountain while avoiding falling coconuts and affectionate monkeys. It's awfully tough to judge where those 2D coconuts are going to land. The second stage plays like Frogger and features nifty water effects and rainbow-colored hippos. The jumping controls are unforgiving, but the worst aspect of the game is Congo the ape himself. He bears a striking resemblance to Curious George - not very intimidating. After you conquer both screens, your man walks over and lights poor Congo on FIRE! I could barely watch as that poor monkey writhed in agony! This game is sick! Oh - what a minute - the manual says it's only "play fire", so I guess that's okay. Despite that disturbing scene, Congo Bongo provides a worthy challenge. © Copyright 2001 The Video Game Critic.
Recommended variation: BB
Our high score: 23,680
1 or 2 players
Conquest of Mars
Publisher: Champ Games (2006)
The original version of Conquest of Mars was a slick homebrew with an Achilles heel. Specifically its "laser gates" stage was practically insurmountable, ruining an otherwise impressive effort. The author advised me that the issue was quickly rectified in this "version 2". Atari veterans will recognize Conquest as a remake of Caverns of Mars
(Atari XE, 1981), and they would be right. In the first stage you blast fuel tanks and rockets while descending through craggy red passages. I find it interesting how video games let you gain
fuel by blowing up
fuel depots. Since when did this
make any sense? I certainly wouldn't blow up the local Shell station when I need a tank of gas, and I'm not going to torch a nearby 7-11 when I want a Big Bite hot dog. The second stage puts you on the defensive as you dodge a barrage of rockets flying up the screen. This stage is hard as balls, but if you keep shooting you'll have a chance. In the third stage you need to dodge laser gates which turn on in timed intervals. Unlike the original version I reviewed, the gate locations are marked by rock indentations, which makes all the difference. The stage is still tough but hardly impossible. In the next stage you plant a bomb and thrust up the caverns to escape as time counts down. The graphics are blocky but well-defined and smoothly animated. The collision detection and controls are dead on. You fire parallel shots and can effectively strafe the ledges. Your ship's speed is determined by how close it is to the top or bottom of the screen. Conquest of Mars contains a lot of extra features lacking in Caverns of Mars, including different cave layouts, additional sounds, bonuses, continues, and an ending. I was never a big fan of Caverns, but this remake has a lot going for it. © Copyright 2014 The Video Game Critic.
Recommended variation: Pilot
Our high score: 27,770
1 or 2 players
Publisher: Imagic (1982)
Some claim that Cosmic Ark was the first console video game sequel. If you've ever played Imagic's Atlantis, you'll recall how a flying saucer escapes the doomed city at the end of each game. Well, Cosmic Ark picks up where that game left off, chronicling the subsequent space adventures of those Atlantis survivors. The game alternates between two screens. In the first, your mothership is situated in the center, and you shoot meteors approaching from all sides by moving the joystick up, down, left, or right. As a kid, I remember thinking this screen looked so
lame. Not only do the meteors always approach from perfect 90 degree angles, but they slow down
just before hitting your ship (to make the game easier no doubt). After shooting about a dozen meteors, your ship descends on an alien planet with two small "beasties" scurrying along the surface. There are different sets of creatures on each planet, and despite their tiny size, they are exceptionally well-animated and imaginative in design. Your mother ship on the upper part of the screen deploys a small saucer (yep - the one from Atlantis) to pick up these strange creatures. To perform the abduction, you hover over each one and hold down the fire button to engage your "tractor beam". It looks cool as they're lifted from the surface, but keep an eye out for lasers that shoot horizontally across the screen. You have a fixed amount of time to perform your mission before returning to the mother ship. Cosmic Ark suffers from uneven difficulty. In the standard mode, it's far too easy and you can play almost indefinitely. On the other hand, the "advanced" mode is nearly impossible. You'll need the reflexes of a cat to fend off the incoming meteors, and the laser beams on the planet surface require pure luck to avoid. I do find it amusing how when the game ends, the flying saucer once again manages to escape, just in case a third game was necessary (it wasn't). © Copyright 2004 The Video Game Critic.
Recommended variation: 4B
Our high score: SDZ 1,860
1 or 2 players
Publisher: Activision (1985)
Cosmic Commuter borrows ideas from more classic games than you can shake a joystick at, so why are we not having fun? At first the game comes off as a Lunar Lander clone where you accelerate against gravity to set a spacecraft down softly on a planet surface. Then it turns into a side-scrolling shooter along the lines of Chopper Command
(Activision, 1982). The idea is to blast obstacles while picking up humans on the surface, not unlike Choplifter
(Atari 5200, 1984). You end up shooting all sorts of nondescript objects while maintaining your fuel supply, calling to mind Megamania
(Activision, 1982). After gathering up the commuters you return to your lander and take off to the next stage. Cosmic Commuter sounds like it has a lot going on, but the action is so bland my friend Chris unenthusiastically refers to it as "Space Bus." What's particularly unsatisfying is how you earn one measly point
for each object you shoot. What is the point? When a human is in the vicinity you need to pick him up right away or he'll simply disappear. Who thought this
was a good idea? Though competently programmed Cosmic Commuter never gives you anything to get excited about. Like a typical morning commute, you feel like you're just going through the motions. © Copyright 2015 The Video Game Critic.
Recommended variation: 2
Our high score: 12,029
Publisher: Telesys (1982)
Cosmic Creeps is a great looking game, but holy cow, its gameplay is too freakin' confusing
for its own good. In the first of two stages, you guide an astronaut from the bottom of an asteroid filled screen to the spaceship at the top. That's the easy part. The second, poorly-designed stage is where you'll spend all of you time. It begins with a child running across the bottom of the screen with two aliens hot on his tail. As the kid works his way up the screen, you can fire missiles at the pursuing aliens from your ship above. Your missiles are so slow that you'll need to "lead" your shots. If the kid arrives safety (or gets caught), you trigger the next kid by pushing the joystick up. Your goal is to score 5000 points in this stage, but this is readily apparent unless you've read the manual. The scoring system is equally confusing since the number on the screen only reflects points scored in the current stage
. Your cumulative score isn't flashed until after
the stage. Cosmic Creeps does feature some impressive high-resolution graphics, with sharp, multi-colored characters. The sound effects aren't bad either. Unfortunately, by the time you figure out what's going on, you've discovered Cosmic Creeps just isn't very fun in general. © Copyright 2004 The Video Game Critic.
Our high score: 27,900
Publisher: Commavid (1982)
In a misguided attempt at originality, Cosmic Swarm is a patchwork of elements taken from "good" games like Centipede and Asteroids. The result is a convoluted mess. Using the joystick you move a triangular ship freely around the screen. Large bugs crawl down from the top, depositing green boxes in random places before making a beeline for your ship. The confusing control scheme uses the fire button to both shoot and
rotate your ship. It's awkward, imprecise, and completely counter-intuitive. The boxes are deadly to the touch, so the game becomes progressively tougher as the screen becomes more crowded. To clear the boxes out, you must shoot one in transit
directly from the bottom at a 90 degree angle. Got that? I didn't think so. If you can execute that idiotic move, the boxes temporarily turn red, making them vulnerable to your shots. But wait - there's more. Every so often a "refueling ship" moves down the side of the screen, and unless you touch it, your game will abruptly end. The pieces don't come together very well in this game. Even when you figure out how to play, Cosmic Swarm is never particularly fun or exciting. © Copyright 2006 The Video Game Critic.
Recommended variation: AA
Our high score: 134
Publisher: Activision (1983)
I must admit that I was far too harsh in my initial assessment of Crackpots. This simple game involves pushing flower pots off the top of a wall down onto approaching spiders attempting to crawl into windows below. It's a little slow for my taste, but Crackpots does have a few things going for it. For one thing, the graphics are sharp. The spiders creep menacingly, and the colorful sunset in the background is pure Activision all the way. The best aspect of the game is the color-coded spiders, each of which climbs in its own distinct manner. Some climb straight, others climb sideways, and some zigzag. It's crucial to recognize these patterns early to avoid being overwhelmed. Your character moves side-to-side rather slowly, making positioning important. It can be really satisfying to crush multiple spiders with one pot. It's a shame Crackpots only has one skill level because once you get the hang of it, the game tends to run long. Still, sharp graphics and thoughtful gameplay make this one worth a look. © Copyright 2004 The Video Game Critic.
Our high score: 17,940
1 or 2 players
Publisher: Fox (1983)
Crash Dive is a pretty generic side-scrolling shooter for the most part, but it does contain a few nifty elements. First, your plane can fly above or under the water, and a neat splash occurs when you move between the two (although it's easy to mistake this for an explosion). Like Chopper Command you approach groups of enemies at a time. Adversaries include planes and helicopters patrolling the air, boats on the water surface, and a host of undersea creatures including squid, lobsters, stingrays, and sharks. Only the aircraft and boats fire at you, so you'll want to eliminate those first. The birds are worth zero points, so don't even bother with them. Every few waves a treasure appears on the ocean floor, and this is where the real points are scored. Crash Dive's gameplay is not too exciting as you methodically destroy each wave and periodically touch your "friendly" refueling ship. Note that you can blow up this ship after you're through with it (a la River Raid). The background features a bright blue sky and a colorful sunset. The "prize indicator" on the bottom of the screen is confusing since it also shows prizes you haven't
picked up yet (?). It's not a stand-out title, but Crash Dive serves its purpose, although I haven't quite figured out what that is yet. © Copyright 2004 The Video Game Critic.
Recommended variation: AA
Our high score: 10,950
Publisher: Atari (1983)
I first heard about this hard-to-find game through a magazine called Atari Age in the early 80's. Crazy Climber was an "exclusive" title available to Atari Age members only, although you still had to shell out 30 bucks for the friggin' thing! Allegedly based on a "hit" arcade game I had never heard of, the magazine gave it a glowing review (no surprise there). Crazy Climber involves methodically scaling a series of buildings while avoiding various hazards. The game's control scheme is quite innovative, as you push up on the joystick to reach for the next ledge, and then pull back to pull yourself up. You'll want to use a nice arcade-style joystick since the constant rocking motion can tire your arm. The buildings have rows of windows that open and close randomly. If they shut on your fingers you'll fall, but you won't actually lose any progress. Besides the windows, you'll need to keep an eye out for falling flower pots, girders, egg-dropping condors, and neon lights with electrical shorts. Reach the top of the building and you're picked up by a helicopter and awarded bonus points. Crazy Climber sounds better than it plays. To avoid costly mistakes you need to be patient and proceed slowly and cautiously. Four buildings are included, but except for the colors they all look pretty much alike. Your climber is large and nicely animated so you can always see where his hands are, but that green and pink outfit has got to go
. It never lived up to the hype, but Crazy Climber is still a solid, well-programmed game. It was never widely distributed, and as a result it's now very rare and highly sought after by collectors. © Copyright 2004 The Video Game Critic.
Recommended variation: 2
Our high score: 103,600
Publisher: Brian Prescott (2000)
Remember those little plastic puzzles where you slid around the squares to assemble a picture? Well Crazy Valet is very similar. It's played with a bunch of white rectangles in a big box. Your goal is to move the single-colored square to the exit. I know this is only a puzzle game, but boy, these graphics are pretty bad. Are those really supposed to be cars? The rules are simple - vertical rectangles only move up and down, and horizontal ones only move side to side. There are 60 unique puzzles, and while the first few are easy, later levels require a lot of complicated manipulation. Your final score is the number of moves you make, so the lower the better. Crazy Valet is amusing in a Rubik's Cube kind of way - interesting at first, but soon begins to wear thin. © Copyright 2001 The Video Game Critic.
Publisher: Spectravision (1982)
Spectravision games aren't usually any good, but Cross Force is an exception. It's a wildly unconventional shooter where you move two "Spectrons" across the top and bottom of the screen. Pressing the fire button causes them to both shoot simultaneously, obliterating anything between them (hence the name I suppose). An indestructible "transport ship" regularly drops aliens into the center of the screen, and these tend to split in two when shot. The aliens take aim at both of your Spectron cursors, so you'll need to stay alert. In advanced waves the screen can become rather crowded, and it's satisfying to eliminate two or three aliens with one shot. The graphics are a little sloppy but they do the job. Cross Force is a surprisingly fresh shooter that will probably have you pressing the reset switch several times before its over. © Copyright 2004 The Video Game Critic.
Recommended variation: 2B
Our high score: 3580
1 or 2 players
Publisher: Atari (1988)
As one of the last few Atari games released for the 2600, Crossbow is basically a light gun shooter without any light gun support. While not exceptional in terms of gameplay, it does feature some very attractive stages. Played from a first-person point of view, you watch your "friends" individually trek across landscapes strewn with perilous hazards. Using a square crosshair, you shoot and neutralize obstacles and impending dangers. The colorful stages include a desert crawling with scorpions, an ice cave with falling stalactites, a jungle infested with coconut-tossing monkeys, a volcanic area with falling cinders, and a drawbridge protected by an archer. Despite repeated attempts, I never achieved my ultimate goal of reaching the "main hall". According to the instructions, there's a fire-breathing dragon in there! The problem with Crossbow is that each stage falls into its own predictable pattern. In the volcano and ice cave stages, you simply keep the cursor positioned over the person's head to protect him from the barrage of falling objects. On the desert screen, you just clear out scorpions that emerge from the left and right. There are plenty of extraneous targets you could aim for, but little incentive to stray from the immediate area around the person. Still, Crossbow is challenging enough, and I like how you can change the order of the stages. It won't set the world on fire, but Crossbow is definitely respectable and a unique entry in the 2600 library. © Copyright 2006 The Video Game Critic.
Recommended variation: 1B
Our high score: 23,600
Publisher: Froggo (1987)
As one of the most despised Atari 2600 game manufacturers, Froggo was known to release just about anything to make a buck. In this infamously bad shooter, you guide a UFO over a planet while firing at various surface and underground structures. Your UFO bears a striking resemblance to the one in Laser Blast. What exactly makes Cruise Missile so bad? Perhaps it's the poor control, which forces you to push the joystick in the direction you want to shoot. Perhaps it's the repetitive, uninspired gameplay. Or maybe it's the stomach-turning graphics and lousy sound effects. It's probably a combination of all of the above, but any way you slice it, Cruise Missile is one sorry game. Moreover, nowhere in the instructions is it ever explained why they named this thing "Cruise Missile" in the first place. © Copyright 2001 The Video Game Critic.
Our high score: 3500
Publisher: 20th Century Fox (1982)
I used to believe that even a primitive first-person dungeon crawler could still be enjoyable if you had enough patience and tolerance for "abstract" (read: bad) graphics. But Crypts of Chaos has disproven my theory. I tried to give it a fair chance, but I just couldn't get into this. Back in the early 80's, being able to freely explore 3D dungeons while fighting monsters and plundering treasure was a gamer's dream. Fox probably did the best it could with the technology available, but that doesn't make Crypts of Chaos any less painful to play. As you slowly crawl down blocky hallways, the intersections, dead-ends, and stairs are represented by unintuitive colors and confusing screen designs. According to the instructions, there are 16 floors and four different maze configurations, but I never really had any idea where I was. The manual recommends "mapping" as you go along, which in of itself practically justifies a failing grade! Periodically a tiny monster emerges as a pixel in the distance - even when you're facing at a dead end, oddly enough. The creature eventually materializes into a small, blocky creature that doesn't appear to be more than a foot in height. How small does a dragon have to be before it's just considered a lizard? Then there's the awkward user interface that uses the same joystick to move AND select icons. For weapons, you can arm your sword (short line), wand (long line), or ring (smart bomb). Three other icons let you choose between grabbing treasure, turning away a monster, and making a U-turn. There was a time when I might have given Crypts of Chaos the benefit of the doubt, but those days have passed. This is practically unbearable. © Copyright 2005 The Video Game Critic.
Recommended variation: B
Our high score: 1274
Publisher: Atari (1984)
Crystal Castles for the 2600 is a respectable translation, but its gameplay feels sluggish compared to the quick, crisp arcade version. The game features a series of 3D castle mazes strewn with blue gems. You control Bentley, a gay bear (he wore red boots and a red sash in the arcade version - c'mon now!). His job is to gather all the gems while avoiding walking trees, skeletons, ghosts, crystal balls, a swarm of bees, and gem-eaters resembling upright centipedes. Pots of honey provide bonus points, and a magic hat makes Bentley invincible for a few seconds. It's a tall order for the 2600, but Atari managed to retain all the elements of the arcade. Naturally these castle designs are modest compared to the arcade, but at least they come in a nice variety. The characters are well animated and the flicker isn't too bad either. Is it my imagination, or does Bentley say a bad word when hit? My main issue has to do with the control. The arcade game uses a trak-ball to whiz that queer bear all over the place, but the Atari 2600 trak-ball control is terribly slow, no matter how fast you spin it (the Wico trak-ball isn't any better). Making matters worse are the flat "gems" that are awfully hard to pick up. I had to settle for using a joystick, and that's a shame. On the bright side, the sound effects are faithful to the arcade, and there are eight difficulty levels. © Copyright 2004 The Video Game Critic.
Recommended variation: 1B
Our high score: 21,566
Publisher: Mystique (1982)
Rating: Adults Only
Custer's Revenge is easily the most politically incorrect video game I've ever seen. The game stars the legendary Civil War general whose "last stand" occurred at the Battle of Little Big Horn against the Sioux Indians. This adult video game allows Custer to exact his revenge by getting "busy" with an Indian girl tied to a post. Decked out in only a holster and boots, Custer must cross the screen as arrows rain from above and cactus sprout from below (ouch!). If the general reaches the girl, you can pound the fire button to have him "score" in more ways than one. Custer's Revenge caused a great deal of controversy in 1982, but in truth, its blocky graphics are more hilarious than offensive. The exaggerated body parts are comical and getting struck by an arrow causes Custer to literally jump out of his boots. Despite its titillating premise, the game itself isn't all that fun. The arrows and cactus appear at random, so there's little skill or strategy involved. A novelty item at best, Custer's Revenge is mainly only good for a laugh. © Copyright 2004 The Video Game Critic.
Recommended variation: 3A
Our high score: 131
1 or 2 players
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