I have a lot of game boxes in my collection and like to make use of them by compiling themed "box art" specials. In this case I picked a bunch of games off the shelf with heavy snow and ice themes. I scanned them in and provided critiques with the help of my old buddy Sudz. That guy sees the world in a funny way and is never at a loss for words.

Each work of art is rated by snowflakes reflecting how wintery they are, ranging from spectacular (5) to weak (1). I recommend enjoying them while bundled up in a blanket and sipping hot cocoa. If that's not available try hard liquor. Either way, enjoy!

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VGC: This is pretty much the grand-daddy of snow games. The Battle of Hoth was one of the most exciting scenes in the original Star Wars trilogy, and this box cover captures it quite well. In 1982 it would be hard to see this game on a store shelf and not walk out with it. After paying for it I mean.

Sudz: Simple and elegant, if you were a kid back when this movie was released and had an Atari 2600 at home, this would have been a must-buy-on-sight. AT-AT walker, snow speeders, and… wait, is that St. Elmo's Fire in the background??? Gonna be your man in motion; all I need is a pair of wheels...

VGC: So... that was pretty random.

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VGC: Believe it or not, this was a low-budget title. I'm trying to make sense of its box art. All I know is, when Amazon starts delivering packages to Canada via drone, all HELL is going to break loose! They are NOT having it!!

Sudz: Who'd have thought that if an alien species tried to drop care packages to the world’s most polite nation, they would be greeted with Mounties firing WWII-era MP-40's? They should have learned from Amazon.

VGC: Looks like a job for The Royal Canadian Kilted Yaksmen!

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VGC: Am I the only one rooting for the polar bear?? This guy looks like a total prick.

Sudz: Why wouldn’t an Arctic explorer leap over an ice floe directly towards a polar bear holding a knife and fork and wearing a bib?

VGC: What could possibly go wrong?

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VGC: Imagic was known for its innovative covers, but I'm not sure what they were going for here. It looks like some Viking is try to break up the ice floes with his axe. Either that or he wants to kill someone in that castle. More likely: BOTH. Oh and who smeared Vasoline all over the camera lens??

Sudz: Sounds like some company had an idea to create a platform jumper based in the Star Trek universe, only to find out they’d have to pay for the license. So they just changed the name to Ice Trek, modified the platforms to be ice floes instead of nebula clouds, and set the destination to be a castle instead of the USS Enterprise. Oh wait that still doesn't explain the warrior with the two-headed axe. Nevermind.

VGC: Don't worry, I'll edit out your pointless drivel before this thing goes live.

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VGC: This pretty much captures the flavor of the Winter Olympic Games, except I don't recall an event with athletes skiing through giant gold rings! I like how the lower image conveys a nice sense of speed.

Sudz: The actual drawings look like something a high schooler would do on the front of the Trapper Keeper when they were bored in history class, but otherwise it does a good job conveying what the game was about – in case the title, SKIING, left you with any doubt. I agree about that bottom picture doing a good job of conveying a sense of speed, calling to mind the old "Take On Me" video.

VGC: Another 80s song reference? C'mon now.

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VGC: These poor animals have looks on their faces like they're being violated, and this crazy penguin is loving it!

Sudz: Once again I'm noticing that Intellivision had a habit of putting "For Color TV Viewing Only" on the bottom of their boxes, as if the TV Police might bust down your door some fateful evening when your neighbor provides an anonymous tip that you’re playing their game on a black-and-white TV! It’s like the mattress tag that states it’s not to be removed under penalty of... what exactly?

Anyway, the box art itself depicts a psychopathic penguin who’s taking genuine pleasure in forcing his fellow Antarctica creatures onto ever-thinning ice in the hopes that they crash through and drown. Then again, given the fact that these particular animals can easily navigate arctic waters, it’s a fairly confusing (and quite disturbing) snapshot of events all the way around.

VGC: Explaining dark matter would be easier.

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VGC: I've been trying to figure out what makes these snowmen so excessively creepy, and I think it has something to do with them wearing clothes. And what's with the gloves? Are they afraid their hands might get cold? It baffles me to no end.

Sudz: These guys look like what happens if you took Mario and Luigi and turned them into featureless claymation goons. Clearly up to no good, their gloves are necessary to hide forensic evidence.

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VGC: If you've ever wondered where snowboarders got the reputation for being hipster douchebags, please allow me to present Exhibit A!

Sudz: I think you summed it up perfectly, but I will say the general style of his attire gave me near-perfect, late-80’s vibes. They nailed the look and feel of an era, douchebaggery and all.

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VGC: Most modern games don't put much effort into their box art, but Lost Planet really struck a chord. You have a soldier in the elements with an army of robotic spiders bearing down on him. As if that's not enough, there's a huge behemoth looming in the background, partially obscured by the whiteout conditions. This is 100% badass!

Sudz: This just looks AWESOME. This is a game I want to play NOW, based on the box art alone! An intense-looking warrior in the foreground, a massive *something* in the background, weird other *somethings* rising up through the snow... you just know something epic is about to go down. The image leaves me simultaneously pumped up and chilled to the core!

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If you enjoyed this article you can find lots more at The Critic's Archive.

Snowflake icon courtesy of Iconpacks