
E.T. The Extra Terrestrial
Grade: F
Publisher: NewKidCo (2001)
Reviewed: 2019/1/21
Rating: Everyone

All those who singled out Atari's
E.T. The Extra Terrestrial (Atari 2600, 1983) as the worst game of all time should be forced to endure this atrocity. You'll find yourself composing a formal apology to Atari, albeit 35 years too late. Don't get me wrong - I'm sure developers of this Game Boy Advance version
meant well, but you know what they say about good intentions. The game incorporates digitized sounds and stills from the motion picture, but I guess they didn't get permission to the likeness of Elliott, because they altered his face and it looks disturbing! E.T.'s ten stages are uninspired, by-the-numbers garbage. The first is a wild goose chase as a bumbling ET tries to collect flowers around a forest. He can't walk between trees, and the paths are infested with tiny creatures that want him dead for some reason. There hasn't been so many frogs and locusts since the
Old Testament for crying out loud! These creatures don't inflict much damage but they certainly make your like a living hell. Subsequent forest stages include creepy police and FBI Agents who sound like predators ("hey you - come here"). When the game tries to introduce new styles of play it completely goes off the rails. The bike-riding stage takes place on narrow, dead-end streets that have you bouncing around like a
pinball. Atari's original ET had its issues but at least it didn't make me nauseous. © Copyright 2019 The Video Game Critic.
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1 player
Publisher: Crave (2004)
Reviewed: 2017/12/10
Rating: Everyone
Publisher: Capcom (2001)
Reviewed: 2004/11/1
Rating: Everyone (violence)

Being a huge fan of
Streets of Rage (Genesis, 1991), I can appreciate a 2D, side-scrolling brawler like Final Fight One. Few things in life are as satisfying as bashing a thug with a lead pipe, or slugging three goons with a single punch! This GBA edition of the original Final Fight is nearly arcade quality, with graphics that look slightly better than the SNES version. Controlling Guy, Cody, or Haggar, you forge your way through various urban locations including slums, a subway, and a construction site. The old-school gameplay is appealing, with hand-illustrated 2D backgrounds that are far more interesting than the 3D rendered locations of modern games. Along the same lines, the thumping, 16-bit electronic music is awesome and perfectly suited to the frenetic action. The jump/punch/special control scheme may seem limiting, but it yields an adequate number of attacks, and the throws are especially fun. On your journey you'll encounter Andre the Giant look-alikes and Street Fighter Alpha "bosses" Sodom and Rolento. Final Fight One is no cakewalk, and just surviving the third level (out of six) requires some serious skill. Like most games of this style, Final Fight's main downfall is how the same bad guys reappear over and over, usually in different colored outfits. Special features that can be unlocked include a stage select, color select, and a "rapid punch" option. If you enjoy old school fighting action, Final Fight One will not disappoint. And one more thing: does anybody else find the title of this game amusing? © Copyright 2004 The Video Game Critic.
Publisher: Konami (2001)
Reviewed: 2003/10/25

Boy oh boy, I had forgotten just how ridiculously
hard these Gradius games are! For those who aren't familiar with the series, Gradius is a line of side-scrolling space shooters that became popular in the mid-80s. This version retains the basic gameplay and extreme difficulty of the original game. Galaxies tosses you into the fire from the get-go. Level one is nearly insurmountable with its narrow caverns and missiles approaching from all directions. Like all Gradius titles, you can collect pods and redeem them for power-ups. It's really important to get off to a good start and load up on weapons early. Galaxies also includes an "auto upgrade" feature that automatically performs your upgrades so you can concentrate on the business at hand. The graphics and sound here are nothing fancy, but the lack of flash makes it easier to dodge projectiles and navigate caverns. As a big fan of the series, I really enjoyed Gradius Galaxies despite the frustration it inevitably brings. This is a shooter lover's shooter - an extreme challenge of the highest magnitude. © Copyright 2003 The Video Game Critic.
Guilty Gear Advance
Grade: F
Publisher: Sammy (2002)
Reviewed: 2004/1/19
Rating: Teen

I really enjoyed the Playstation 2 (PS2) Guilty Gear games, but this portable edition is a
joke. The PS2 versions featured large, well-animated characters and gorgeous backgrounds, but you'll get none of that here. The motley crew of characters is the same, including the hair-fighting Millia Rage, hard-rocking Axel Low, hulking Potemkin, bag-headed Faust, and the aptly named Sol Badguy. Unfortunately, the fighters are small, and their animation is so rough that certain moves look more like glitches in the game. The fantasy backgrounds are completely static and have a washed-out look. The music is totally unappealing, and the distorted voice samples sound like static. But the worst aspect is the game's low difficulty, which is surprising considering how tough the PS2 versions are. The normal skill level is laughably easy, and even at "very hard" I could dispatch my opponents easily with minimal technique required. Upon winning the arcade mode, you view a
text ending, and are then forced to sit through boring credits - some reward! Guilty Gear Advance does save high scores, and you can link up with a friend, but what's the point, really? © Copyright 2004 The Video Game Critic.
Gunstar Super Heroes
Grade: B
Publisher: Sega (2005)
Reviewed: 2006/1/13
High Heat Major League Baseball 2003
Grade: D
Publisher: 3DO (2002)
Reviewed: 2003/8/12

Man, I didn't realize how good Baseball Advance was until I played High Heat! This game has some serious problems. For starters, the fielders and balls are very tiny, which is not conducive to a hand-held game! Even the behind-the-batter view looks very distant. The pitching and batting controls are okay, but I hate how you have to "cue" the pitcher to throw the ball when you're batting. Once the ball is hit, fielders can run, catch, and throw, but can't jump or dive. The CPU-controlled fielders are idiotic, often missing easy chances to throw men out or turn double plays. High Heat does have all the major league teams and a wealth of options. The ballparks look pretty good, but the players all look identical. High Heat's audio is horrible. The intro screen's blaring rock music will make you cringe, and during the game the crowd is strangely silent, only reacting to long fly balls. High Heat is long on options but short on gameplay, so I'd recommend you stick with Baseball Advance. © Copyright 2003 The Video Game Critic.
Hot Wheels: All Out
Grade: D-
Publisher: DSI Games (2006)
Reviewed: 2007/1/8
Rating: Everyone

What initially attracted me to this bargain-bin racer was its isometric (tilted overhead) camera angle. Providing an ideal perspective of both the cars and scenery, this view has been effectively used in many old-school racers, and more recently in the excellent Racing Gears Advance (2005). Sadly, Hot Wheels falters badly with its sloppy gameplay and uninspired tracks. The tiny cars look okay, but the ice, volcano, and city tracks lack detail and creativity. Only the colorful jungle stage is even the least bit interesting. The courses are strewn with cheap hazards, including potholes that collapse from underneath and flamethrowers that trigger without warning. In terms of racing, there's little sense of speed, and the collision detection is deplorable. Just driving
close to an opponent causes a "bump" to occur, giving him a boost while you come to a near standstill! There are ramps to jump, but the physics is laughable as your car gently floats in the air without even changing its orientation. Hot Wheels provides ample challenge and a handy password option, but this poorly constructed racer is lukewarm at best. © Copyright 2007 The Video Game Critic.
Our high score: 3024
1 player
Jurassic Park III: Island Attack
Grade: B-
Publisher: Konami (2001)
Reviewed: 2012/8/18
Rating: Everyone (violence)
Save mechanism: Battery
1 player
Jurassic Park III: Park Builder
Grade: B-
Publisher: Konami (2001)
Reviewed: 2012/8/18
Rating: Everyone (violence)
Save mechanism: Battery
1 player
Jurassic Park III: The DNA Factor
Grade: B-
Publisher: Konami (2001)
Reviewed: 2012/8/18
Rating: Everyone (violence)

Of the three Jurassic Park III games for the Game Boy Advance, DNA Factor is probably the most playable. It feels like a traditional side-scroller as you guide a lanky Indiana Jones-looking dude through jungles and laboratories while jumping, dodging, shooting, and collecting DNA samples. Good times! Your character actually moves between two planes, but since they aren't clearly delineated, it takes a while to figure out where you can or can't go. There are a lot of bottomless pits, but your guy usually grabs the ledge instead of falling. The DNA samples (colored dots) burst into stars as you collect them in a magically delicious kind of way. You don't need to collect
all of the DNA, but grab what you can because if you don't collect enough you'll need to replay the stage. I really enjoyed the arcade style of DNA Factor, but the game finds some imaginative ways to annoy. When trying to get past the Brontosaurus boss, even touching his leg can spell instant death. Worst yet, the "earthquakes" caused by his stomps deal significant damage unless you jump in the air. It's actually possible for him to kill you
after he's completely left the screen! I could also do without that "DNA shooting" mini-game between stages. It has an old-school flair (I guess), but it's confusing and unnecessary. Worst of all, if you fail it, you need to restart the previous platform stage, and that just sucks. The DNA Factor had the right idea, but a few bonehead design choices prevent it from being exceptional. © Copyright 2012 The Video Game Critic.
Save mechanism: Battery
1 player
Kelly Slater's Pro Surfer
Grade: B
Publisher: Activision (2002)
Reviewed: 2003/8/12

Pro Surfer reminds me of an old computer game called Surf's Up that I played on my Atari XL computer about twenty years ago. There's no 3D graphics here - just a little surfer on a huge wave. Even so, I must commend the awesome visuals. The waves look utterly fantastic with their bubbling foam crests and shimmering barrels, and the water in the background looks practically digitized. Gameplay simply involves guiding your surfer around the wave and executing tricks for points. It would be tempting to write off Kelly Slater's Pro Surfer as a simple button masher, because almost every button combination produces some kind of trick. It's hard to screw up in Amateur mode, but the Challenge mode is addicting in a Tony Hawk kind of way. You can pull off impressive combos with ease, but you'll need to know what you're doing to score the big points. A special meter across the top of screen increases with every trick, so the better you perform, the easier it is to pull off the crazy stuff. Pro Surfer's music is great, and a gnarly surfer dude offers constructive criticism like "You
suck!". Kelly Slater's Pro Surfer is a pleasant surprise to say the least. If you're looking for a surfing game but have been disappointed with the PS2 and Xbox offerings, give this old-school throwback a try. © Copyright 2003 The Video Game Critic.
Konami Arcade Hits
Grade: A-
Publisher: Konami (2003)
Reviewed: 2004/5/30
Recommended variation: frogger
Our high score: 7460
1 player
Legend of Zelda, The
Grade: A-
Publisher: Nintendo (2004)
Reviewed: 2004/7/18
Legend of Zelda: The Minish Cap
Grade: B+
Publisher: Nintendo (2005)
Reviewed: 2005/7/26
Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
Grade: C
Publisher: Electronic Arts (2003)
Reviewed: 2005/7/26

This little Diablo-style dungeon crawler is playable enough, but practically identical to its predecessor,
Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (Electronic Arts, 2002). Return of the King's presentation is beyond reproach, with cinematic sound effects and fluid animation. Heck, Gandolf's robe even flows in the wind! As you battle your way through scenes from the film (and a few scenes not from the film), you'll discover all sorts of new items and weapons. Unfortunately, the familiar formula is wearing thin, making Return of the King's flaws harder to forgive. For one thing, item management gets tiresome, especially when you keep picking up the same unwanted crap. An auto-upgrade feature sure would come in handy. Besides selecting abilities and weapons, the hack-n-slash action is pretty shallow. Cheap hits and exploding enemies will have you wishing there was some kind of defensive maneuver. There's a lot of dark environments that make it hard to discern enemies. If you didn't play Two Towers, you might appreciate Return of the King more, but otherwise steer clear of this obvious rehash. © Copyright 2005 The Video Game Critic.
Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
Grade: C+
Publisher: Electronic Arts (2002)
Reviewed: 2004/11/1
Rating: Teen (blood, violence)