Just when I thought I had reviewed all the best Astrocade games I stumbled upon the modestly-titled Soccer on my multicart. Wowowow. This is one stunning game with no less than fourteen tiny multicolored players scurrying around a well-manicured green field. The game is fast and easy to play.

Each team moves in unison but the players gradually disperse as the action unfolds. I just love how you can turn the knob on the controller to "aim" your passes and shots. It's a feature no other console, classic or otherwise, could provide. The ball changes possession whenever a player passes over it, so it can be hard to tell who has it at times. Still, with enough practice you can methodically pass it down the field.

Score a goal and some truly raucous crowd noise kicks in, albeit briefly. Soccer is also jam-packed with features. You can customize the controls, disable out-of-bounds (yes please), and select between four CPU skill levels. There's even a shootout mode. I played this game with my buddy Brent and we had a blast. Soccer has a level of sophistication you don't expect from a vintage title, with the excellent gameplay to back it up. © Copyright 2020 The Video Game Critic.

Rare games have a propensity to suck, but Solar Conqueror is a surprisingly satisfying space shooter. The action takes place on a single screen, and I don't think I'd be out of line comparing this to Yars' Revenge (Atari 2600, 1982). The screen is arranged with a planet surface on the right side that launches missiles from its center. In addition to shooting these down, you'll contend with kamikaze ships, asteroids, and satellites that deploy deadly electrical fields.

The electrical field effect looks pretty awesome. Your ship controls like the one in Asteroids, allowing you to thrust and drift while unleashing a rapid-fire stream of shots. The instructions refer to this maneuver as "the SLIPPER". You can fire in eight directions but your ship doesn't seem to want to remain in the diagonal position for some reason.

What's most appealing about Solar Conqueror is the fast, non-stop action. As the waves progress more and more missiles are unleashed, some of which fire their own missiles! Since you can't fly off the screen you may find yourself in some cramped quarters, but that just adds to the challenge. Four people can play, but only by taking turns.

I find it amusing how the game adds a lot of unnecessary stuff to make itself seem more sophisticated. After every few waves a "hyperspace" effect is used to simulate travel to the next star system. This hokey display of giant pixels and grating sound effects can thankfully be skipped with the push of a button. The game displays a long string of numbers and symbols across the top of the screen, which are needlessly confusing. Most of them are totally inconsequential, but in a way they just add to the game's charm. © Copyright 2012 The Video Game Critic.

Space Fortress is similar to Cosmic Ark (Atari 2600, 1982), but much less refined. And when you're making a lackluster shooter like Cosmic Ark look good, you've really missed the mark! Space Fortress puts you in control of an oriental rug jettisoned into deep space by the human race because it was so [expletive] ugly. You defend yourself from attack using four cannons and fortunately for you, the aliens always approach in your direct line of fire! Dumb-asses. I just hope these guys never wise up and learn to attack diagonally, or we're toast!

There's not a lot of variety in Space Fortress, and as far as I can tell, zero strategy. The game is really only playable at its highest difficulty, which I will admit does pose a serious challenge. You fire a single shot by simply pushing the joystick in whatever direction, which works fine - until the pace picks up. Then the game becomes a major wrist-buster, prompting my friend Scott to proclaim it "even worse than Summer Games!"

When your fortress is finally destroyed, you're subjected to one of the most gratuitous explosion sequences ever witnessed in a video game. Pixelated lines spring forth from your rug for a good 15 seconds, transforming the screen into an ugly mess. It's like the bastard son of that mother ship explosion in Gorf. Scott speculated that this elaborate effect was actually programmed first, leaving about 37 bytes for the remainder of the game. If nothing else, Space Fortress is one of the more mock-worthy titles in my collection. © Copyright 2011 The Video Game Critic.

I've seen a lot of games try to recreate the dramatic Death Star trench battle from the first Star Wars film, but this has got to be the sorriest of the bunch. Programming the illusion of moving through a trench is surprisingly easy - you just render a static trench with several sections, and then cycle the section colors. But no matter how effective the illusion, it's pretty pointless without some solid gameplay to back it up. Star Battle is sorely lacking in this regard!

You control (and I use the term loosely) an X positioned near the bottom of the screen. At first I thought it was a cross-hair, but it eventually dawned on me that it's supposed to represent an X-Wing fighter! Pressing the fire button lets you fire at the Tie Fighter meandering near the top of the trench.

Your X-Wing bounces around on its own accord, so you really need to wrestle with it and it's impossible to shoot with any precision. The Tie Fighter returns fire, and the winner is the first side to reach a predetermined score. A two-player mode allows a second human to control the tie fighter, but why drag someone else into this mess? Star Battle is so astoundingly bad, you may find yourself looking around and asking, "Is this supposed to be a joke? Okay guys, you can come out now!" © Copyright 2009 The Video Game Critic.