NES Reviews I-L

Unlike most Indiana Jones fans, my favorite film of the trilogy is the dark, brooding Temple of Doom. So you can imagine my disappointment when I sat down to play this ill-conceived crock of [expletive]. The stages are a series of underground caves full of platforms, conveyer belts, mine carts, and lava pits. Equipped with his trusty whip, Indy fights the bad guys, rescues kids, and tries frantically to locate an exit. It's mildly amusing to ride mine carts and swing between ledges using your whip, but the fun ends there. The controls are abysmal. When you jump up or down, you never quite know where you're going to land, but it's usually red and rhymes with java. Indy's movements are so slippery that even climbing a frickin' ladder without falling off is hard! Your primarily objective is to free enslaved kids, but your escape route is usually a mystery. Sometimes you'll appear to have stumbled across the exit, only to discover you've returned to the previous stage! Ugh! Temple of Doom's graphics are butt-ugly, with repulsive color schemes and pitiful animation. The Michael Jackson-impersonating thugs mindlessly fall from platform to platform, and often hurl themselves directly into the lava. The fighting aspect of the game feels like a complete afterthought. Switching weapons is awkward (hold select while moving the directional pad?!), and firing your gun will instantly kill a bad guy anywhere on the screen! I also find it odd how you can grab the same item over and over again to rack up points. Indiana Jones Temple of Doom is so bad that it made me want to rip someone's heart out, tie them to a metal rack, and lower them into a lava pit. But wouldn't you know it - it turns out that's illegal in Maryland! Temple of Doom's only saving grace is the horrible Last Crusade game for the NES, which makes this look almost respectable by comparison. © Copyright 2008 The Video Game Critic.

How hard could it be to program a half-way decent Indiana Jones game?! This is one of two Last Crusade games for the NES, and I prefer this one only because it doesn't suck quite as much as the other. The structure of this game is good, with selectable stages that combine elements of fighting, racing, and puzzle solving. You'll trade punches with thugs in a German castle, on a freighter at sea, and on a moving tank in the desert. The graphics look very sharp and detailed, but the animation stinks. Indy's movements are erratic, and you'll struggle to escape from regenerating thugs just because you can't get up the frickin' ladder! Indy can punch, kick, or jump-kick, but these moves look unintentionally hilarious. If Indy's jacket were red instead of brown, he'd look just like Michael Jackson doing a dance number. The enemy soldiers are hard to fight because they tend to hop around like fleas! Also amusing is how Indy's little legs wiggle as he scurries up and down ladders. The German castle stage is particularly painful, with its never-ending maze of hallways and doors that all look the same! I can't tell you how long I languished in this stage, but it felt like days. The most bizarre stage is the catacombs, which amounts to one of those "slide the square" puzzles. I was never any good at those, so I really hated this stage. Last Crusade's highlight is the motorcycle chase stage. As you zoom up a vertically-scrolling road, you'll need to carefully adjust your speed to avoid hazards and leap over chasms. Best of all, you can whip soldiers that pull up alongside you. The final stage is pretty good too, taking you through the three challenges of the grail. Intermissions are displayed between stages with nice illustrations and text dialogue from the movie. In terms of audio, the suspenseful music that plays in the castle scene is good, but the rendition of the Indiana Jones theme sounds totally off-key. The less said about the techno music in the ship stage, the better. Last Crusade has a lot of issues, but at least it makes an effort. © Copyright 2008 The Video Game Critic.

Ah yes - here is another superb military shooter for the NES. In most one-man-army games you can only control vehicles at certain times, but in Jackal, you play the entire game in a jeep! It's quite maneuverable, giving you the added advantage of being able to run over enemy soldiers (which I highly recommend). It's satisfying to hear them "squish" under your tires! The B button is used to fire your machines gun, and these always fire towards the top of the screen, giving you a nifty strafe capability not found in many NES titles. The A button launches rockets and grenades, which always fire in the direction you're facing. As you forge through desert forts, Greek ruins, and rocky canyons, you'll contend with cannons, roving tanks, boats, and fire-breathing statues. The stages are sizeable and scroll sideways in addition to up and down. There are enough enemies to create crossfire traps, but nothing insurmountable. The one cheap aspect of the game is the way enemy vehicles sometimes appear suddenly as you're pushing against the side of the screen, making them hard to avoid. Jackal also has a rescue element reminiscent of Choplifter. Upon blowing up enemy buildings, captured soldiers emerge from the wreckage. You'll can pick them up and transport them to a helicopter pad, but you only score points by delivering them safely. This adds depth to the gameplay, as you tend to be less reckless when transporting cargo. Jackal not only provides excellent solo play, but a friend can join in for some two-player simultaneous action. The pacing is a bit slower and more deliberate than similar games, but also more satisfying. Even the military-style background music is appealing. I can absolutely recommend Jackal to all NES shooter fans. © Copyright 2007 The Video Game Critic.

Kabuki Quantum Fighter has a thought-provoking premise. In order to defend a compromised supercomputer a soldier has volunteered to be transformed into a stream of data to infiltrate the system's circuits. What form would this digitized soldier assume? How about a ninja in traditional garb with flowing red hair that can lash out at enemies? I bet you didn't see that coming! The opening stage looks vaguely high tech with its circuit boards and wires, but what in the heck are pulsating red organs doing inside of a computer?! You're attacked by soldiers, hopping dogs, and literal computer bugs. My friend Brent was like, "Wait a minute - the dogs can shoot?!" As if that's where the game lost him because it was too far fetched. The second stage dispenses with the computer motif altogether as you're basically trudging through a sewer. Your character is a nimble guy with the ability to climb certain walls, hang from handles, and use them to vault. The jumping controls are responsive but the timing of your shots seems a little off. It's hard to land hits because enemies tend to jump around. Slow enemies absorb a ridiculous number of hits and others appear on a ledge just as you're about to land on it. Ubiquitous hazards include spikes, conveyer belts, and iced-over ledges. As if that's not hard enough, advanced stages impose time limits! If there's one notable aspect of the game it's the music. The tune that plays throughout the opening stage makes this very low guttural noise like nothing I've ever heard come out of my TV. Otherwise Kabuki Quantum Fighter is standard NES fare that becomes progressively less fun as you play. © Copyright 2015 The Video Game Critic.

This is one of the few movie-based NES titles that manages to capture the spirit of the film it's based on. Even if you didn't enjoy the old flick with Ralph Macchio and Pat Morita, you're still bound to become addicted to this side-scroller. It begins with a series of one-on-one kung-fu matches, where you must prove your worth in front of an audience. You can punch and kick high and low, and there are two special moves that you'll want to save for critical moments. One is the "drum punch", which lets you unleash a flurry of punches, and the other is the devastating "crane kick", which fans will remember from the film's climax. Starting with the second stage, Karate Kid turns into a more conventional side-scroller, as you jump between platforms while beating up thugs who all shop at the same clothes store. Occasionally you're awarded a bonus item which endows you with a special move or replenishes your life meter. The third stage complicates matters with harsh weather conditions and flying objects like birds and sticks. With so many projectiles you tend to get knocked around a lot, making it difficult to maintain control. Getting caught up on the scenery is also be a problem. The final stage takes place in some castle ruins, culminating with an encounter with a boss named "Chozen". Peppered throughout the game are fun bonus stages that challenge you to avoid a swinging hammer, crush ice blocks, or catch flies with chopsticks. Despite its control flaws, I had a great time playing Karate Kid. It requires more technique and offers more variety than your typical side-scroller. Fans of the movie should be pleased. © Copyright 2003 The Video Game Critic.

At first glance, one might mistake Legend of Kage for crap. Looking more like a schoolgirl than a warrior, our hero can leap a mile between treetops (Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon-style) while battling ninja who randomly fly across the screen. Kage's high-jumping antics are absolutely ridiculous and totally awesome at the same time. Sure you'll take some random hits, but the frenetic pace is exciting. One button tosses shuriken and the other swings a kodachi (short sword). The kodachi is effective in close combat, and can also be used to deflect projectiles. The first stage is set in a stormy forest, and novice players may be thrown for a loop since you move the left, not right as you do in most NES games. Running across the ground is more direct, but moving through the trees can net you some cool power-ups, including a scroll that instantly kills dozens ninjas trying to enter the screen from all directions. Some critics may scoff at the fact that you can hit your head on the sky, but to me, that just makes the game all the more endearing. When you reach the far left of the forest, you'll need to wait for the red, fireball-casting boss, and this is not readily apparent unless you've read the FAQ. After defeating him, you'll need to survive moat, wall, and palace stages to reach the kidnapped princess. The game then starts over, but surprise - the seasons change! This is a great idea that adds variety and replay value. Legend of Kage is challenging and so addicting you'll keep coming back to beat your high score. Give it a try and you'll see why so many kids spent countless hours playing this back in the day. © Copyright 2009 The Video Game Critic.

If there was ever a single title in the history of video games that begged for two-player simultaneous action, it was Lethal Weapon for the NES. You'll recall that the movies feature Mel Gibson and Danny Glover as a mismatched pair of police partners, fighting the bad guys side-by-side. Well, you'll get none of that in this game. No, you can only play as Mel or Danny, which is inexcusable in my book. The gameplay involves systematically punching, kicking, and shooting your way through endless generic goons. One thing I noticed right away is that punching is just as effective as shooting, if not more so! The bad guys are awfully predictable. Just stand in front of the dark doorway and punch like a madman, and these brainless henchmen will walk right into your furious barrage. Adding insult to injury, they don't even fall over - they simply blink briefly and disappear. The most annoying criminals are the ones who pop out of manholes. Since your normal attacks are too "high", you can only strike them jump-kicks. Also annoying is that damn helicopter that shows up every five minutes. Defeating it always requires the same strategy - pick up an unexploded hand grenade and loft it into the air. The first stage is set in a park with shacks and tree houses that look awful. The scenery does improve later as you move into a restaurant-lined waterfront. Still, there's no interaction with the scenery (except for the occasional brick), so the action is monotonous. The "music" (if you want to call it that) is unpleasant and loops endlessly. Even die-hard Lethal Weapon fans will have a hard time getting excited about this cookie-cutter side-scroller. © Copyright 2005 The Video Game Critic.

I can't recall my friends snickering at the title of a game this much since Sword Fight (Atari 2600, 1983). This new NES homebrew has a lot going for it starting with its green translucent cartridge shell. It's mesmerizing! Log Jammer's gameplay pits two players running on spinning logs in head-to-head hammer-throwing action. The character selection includes three humans and three freaky monsters. The playing field is divided into an upper and lower area, with the idea to hurl a hammer at targets behind your opponent. Your opponent can intercept the hammer by touching it in flight. This is definitely a twitch game as you try to catch your opponent leaning the wrong way. I find it odd how the corners are worth more points considering the middle sections are a lot harder to hit. The matches are short and sweet. The graphics are remarkably sharp and well-defined, and the frenetic music isn't bad either. Log Jammer's gameplay might seem original to a garden variety critic, but I instantly recognized it a vertical variation of Windjammers (Neo Geo, 1994). Random items add spice (including signature shots) but frankly these tend to get lost in the noise. I love the wide variety of stages ranging from shimmering blue pools to racid sewers to icy glaciers. You could play this game any time of the year and still be seasonally correct. It's hard to advance far in the single-player tournament mode but going toe-to-toe with a friend is always a blast. Like most modern games, this one records "achievements" which are saved to cart. Log Jammers isn't the kind of game you play for hours on end, but I've yet to find someone who didn't like it. © Copyright 2018 The Video Game Critic.

The first time I fired up Low G Man (not to be confused with Low T Man), I hated it. It just didn't make any sense. Shooting enemies only freezed them momentarily, and being able to jump really high wasn't helping much. Thank goodness I had the official literature on hand to shed some light on Low G Man's unconventional gameplay. As it turns out, after you freeze an enemy you're supposed to jump on top of them and stab downward with a spear! I would have never figured that out on my own. It's really bizarre... and kind of... awesome? Once you get a feel for it, the gameplay is quite satisfying. I also like how you can climb into an ED-209 robot (of Robocop fame) and spray bullets all over the place. It's one of several vehicles you can commandeer. Low G Man is at its best when you climb on top of a boss and stab it repeatedly in the head! At its worst, the action feels so repetitive you start to actively avoid confrontation. The animation gets really choppy when there's a lot of activity. When you slay a foe he'll drop a useful object, but the icons immediately drop off the screen before you have a chance to grab them! That is so frustrating. And who in the heck are those chicks trapped in the phone booths? Potions will give you more health, but some of them apparently subtract health too, which is bogus. A few checkpoints would be nice, as having to restart a level after you've progressed to the end is demoralizing. When Low G Man dies in mid-jump he falls flat on a layer of thin air. That's quality with a capital K right there! Low G Man is no prize but it's unique and that vintage NES music has a way of getting under your skin. Maybe we'll just call this one Low C Man. © Copyright 2017 The Video Game Critic.