Champion Ice Hockey
Publisher: Sega (1985)
This is the best terrible hockey game I've ever played, if that makes any sense. From a technical perspective Champion Ice Hockey is just plain wretched
. The players flicker, the collision detection stinks, and the speed of the game fluctuates wildly. The player you control is the one nearest to the puck, and it switches automatically. Colliding with any other player (including a teammate) causes you to fall over and lose the puck. But the worst part is the abysmal side-scrolling, and believe me I'm being loose with the language when I call it scrolling. As you push against the edge of the screen the entire rink shifts in huge chunks, and it's unsightly to say the least. The oddly-shaped goals look like half the number 8, and the fact that both goalies are the same color (blue) is confusing. Yet for all of its problems there's something about Champion Ice Hockey that kept me playing. I like how you view the action from overhead, with each player holding his stick at his side. You can easily toggle the stick from side to side which allows you to maneuver through defenders while maintaining control of the puck. I also like how you control your goalie (when he's on the screen) by pressing up and down. Passing is ineffective but you can often take the puck the length of the rink on your own. Once you know the limits of the game and enter the acceptance phase, you might actually enjoy Champion Ice Hockey. © Copyright 2016 The Video Game Critic.
Publisher: Sega (1983)
This wasn't the Congo Bongo I was expecting. In fact, I had to pop in the Colecovision version just to remember what the game is supposed
to look like. The original plays like Donkey Kong with simulated 3D platforms, but here you view the action from the side. This makes the scenery look flat, as if you're playing a 2D platformer. I still found the colorful graphics extremely attractive with the green palm trees, running waterfalls, and shimmering blue water. The gorilla at the top of the screen is nicely rendered in several colors, but he could really stand to lose a few pounds. The bongo music does a good job of getting you into a tropical mood. So how does the game play? Well, the stiff SG-1000 controller doesn't do you any favors but the collision detection is forgiving enough, especially when it comes to avoiding bouncing coconuts. The monkeys tend to harmlessly latch onto you for a second or two. On the second screen you traverse square islands by crossing logs. You'll need to avoid black snakes which can be tricky because you don't have much room to maneuver. I later discovered you can take shortcuts by riding lily pads, which is pretty cool. After the second screen it's back to the first, which is disappointing because I was expecting at least three screens. This version of Congo Bongo is still fun though, and the fact that it's so unique adds to its appeal. © Copyright 2016 The Video Game Critic.
Our high score: 12,570
Publisher: Sega (1985)
I knew this was going to be bad going in, but let's face it - a game called Dragon Wang is worth owning for the name alone. This side-scrolling kung fu game is seriously primitive and patently unfair. Your fighter's name is D. Wang. He moves in a stilted manner across generic platforms that all look the same with no background graphics. You defeat approaching henchmen using three attacks: kick, jump-kick, and squat-kick. The jump-kick doesn't seem to have any effect and the collision detection is so bad you might as well flip a coin. Enemies tossing knives have an answer for everything. You jump and they throw high; you duck and they throw low. You're constantly taking mandatory hits. After walking to the right you'll eventually see a hole in the ceiling. Jump under it and you'll magically levitate to the next level as exisiting on-screen enemies disappear in a puff of smoke. The first boss is armed with nunchucks and you just trade blows until he dies. The second boss however is a real bastard
. He teleports all over and keeps kicking you in the back. I could never beat him, and dying at his hands sends you back to the very beginning of the game!
You'll also have to deal with occasional hazards like trapdoors, floating orbs, and walls to kick through. Dragon Wang is a low budget brawler that's as laughable as its name implies. Its rumored sequel, Dragon Balls, was never released. © Copyright 2016 The Video Game Critic.
Our high score: 30,700
1 or 2 players
Publisher: Sega (1985)
Recommended variation: 3
Our high score: 99,300
Publisher: Saito (1984)
Go Golgo! Go Golgo!
Golgo 13 is a Japanese manga series starring a professional assassin who looks pretty badass on his title screen close-up. The game itself is different from anything I can recall, and that's saying something because I've seen quite a bit! You move Golgo across the bottom of the screen in a red convertible, trying to shoot the windows out of a train moving in the distance. When you knock one out a hostage climbs out, waves, and run to safety. Passing between you and the train are boxcars and trucks that can deflect your shots right back at you. It's often necessary to skillfully "thread the needle". In advanced stages a helicopter appears and begins firing heat-seeking missiles! The sense of perspective is good but that train animation is jerky. Between trying to keep an eye on Golgo, the train, and the helicopter, I thought I was going cross-eyed! The bright city skyline is gorgeous - one of the best I've seen. When Golgo's car blows up he leaps out to avoid injury, but what happened to his pants? Golgo 13 isn't the kind of game you can play for any length of time, but you have to admit the concept is pretty neat. © Copyright 2019 The Video Game Critic.
Our high score: 46,650
Publisher: Sega (1985)
I've played Hang-On games on far more advanced systems, but this bare-bones early version is arguably the most enjoyable. Hang-On II is a motorcycle game with short, timed races. Before you begin you'll want to note that the timer reads 60-seconds, because that's exactly
how long you're going to be playing! Hang-On II is tough! There are three gears and you'll need to use them efficiently to cover enough ground to barely qualify for the next stage. The controls feel good. At slow speeds you can easily maneuver but at top gear you can barely hang on (...hey!
). Remember to hit your brakes when approaching other motorcycles because they tend to swerve unpredictably. If you find yourself slowing down suddenly, it's probably because you accidentally slipped into low gear (perfectly normal for a man your age). The margin of error is super slim for the first race but after that the game actually becomes easier, if only because subsequent stages give you more time. The motorcycles scale smoothly and racing stripes help convey speed. The graphics are sparse but I like that colosseum structure in the distance in stage one. The skyline in the city stage looks okay but it feels like you're on a never-ending bridge. For the record, I didn't spot any water in the "seaside" stage. Despite the lack of detail Hang-On II is surprisingly fun. It's one game that practically demands
you play it over and over again. © Copyright 2016 The Video Game Critic.
Our high score: 41,700
Publisher: Parker Bros. (1984)
This is basically the same as the disappointing side-scrolling shooter James Bond 007
(Atari 2600, 1983). I always hated that game, beginning with its nonsensical animated intro. It's supposed to depict some kind of transforming car, but it looks cheesy and James Bond looks far too big to fit into that thing. The familiar 007 theme song is the only thing this game has going for it. Each of its stages are based on various Bond films like Diamonds are Forever and The Spy Who Loved Me, but they are "cookie cutter" in ever way. You drive a vehicle toward the right while firing missiles, tossing mines, and jumping/diving past hazards. The graphics are terrible. Why am I being attacked by traffic cones? The best strategy is to fire with reckless abandon, which doesn't make your thumb feel very good. Failing to capture the spirit of the films to any degree, James Bond 007 strikes me as the worst kind of corporate dreck. © Copyright 2019 The Video Game Critic.
Our high score: 9500
1 or 2 players